It's 2:04 am when I'm writing this, of course I'm sure it will be recorded once this is posted. I created this in hopes to have a written record of my life. To see my mistakes and my good choices. Also to put a stop on this chaotic world that I live in. Currently in college, this past weekend for me has been a little too crazy. I've noticed that I've started taking unnecessary risks in order to feel something, and that everything I've worked so hard for I've lost all motivation for. Right now I feel like going back to the old me, just crawling in bed and staying there ruining all that I've accomplished thus far. The fact that I'm alive I know is a miracle and that I should savor the new life that I have now, yet old habits have been holding me back. My reasonable goals: to finish my AA and get my pre-requisites for nursing and linguistics, and possibly a BA. I am a very ambitious person and I've noticed that I tend to create unreachable goals so for now as far as school this is my goal. I also need to get another job and save money. Right now I have decided to currently pull an all night-er because of something I watched a few hours earlier which has greatly disturbed me. It has to do with something that has impacted my life to the point of permanent change and seeing the consequences in myself of another's selfish desires has been the hardest thing for me to over come. To run away from the things I can't feel to either be a perfectionist and a robot or to be nothing and alone. The choice seems so easy yet this is the daily struggle. It would be soo much easier to just slip away and be like a one Liz Litts. I wish i was in the same place as her, yet something is still holding me back; continuous treatment from people like my predator just keeps me down, yet the feeling of the only normalcy I know is too addicting. I guess for now this is enough contemplating for the night, time to clean and do homework. My old mask of perfectionism is starting to come out of its box.
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